Winners & Losers of the World Cup

Winner or loser? Well, that's an easy one, but who let Marco Materazzi's sister get her hands on all that body paint?




Who's the big winner here tonight at the World Cup? Huh? These guys, that's who. They're winners. They're the big winners. And for every winner, there's a loser, so you know what that means:

Winner: Zizou

Now before you ask me to check myself into the nearest rubber-walled facility so I can sip milk from a straw and play ping-pong for the rest of my days, hear me out. Yes, he went postal, head-butted a guy, and got sent off with 10 minutes left in the Cup final. We knew that Zidane would steal the show - we just didn't know he'd do it like that. Was it wrong? Yes. Inexcusable? Absolutely. A complete and utter act of insanity? Maybe so. But when you've played three magical games to lead your seemingly over-the-hill team to wins (and real wins, like beating-a-team-in-90-minutes wins - no extra time, no penalties, nada de eso) against three of the best squads in the world - Spain, Brazil, and Portugal - and cemeted your place as one of the best players of all time, you're a winner in the minds of most fans. Plus, that was easily the best header of the World Cup.

Loser: Materazzi

After Italy beat Germany by playing four strikers in an effort to avoid penalties, I thought that an old dog might have learned some new tricks. Not so fast. In the final, Italy played a good first half, but a negative, defensive second half. In extra time, they were hanging on against an inspired French team. And their big win was overshadowed by the actions of Materazzi, who reacted to almost giving up the winning goal to one of Zidane's headers by taunting the star into directing the next header at his chest. Right now, what Materazzi said remains a mystery, but accusations of racist comments have been made. Would this racism be an isolated incident? Not exactly. Italy's celebrations were marred by swastikas being spraypainted throughout Rome's Jewish Quarter (Paolo Di Canio better have one heck of an alibi). Zidane head-butted a guy, but everyone still likes him. Materazzi won the World Cup, but everyone still thinks he's a trash-talking punk. And maybe a racist one, too.

Winner: Beckenbauer

The chief of the organizing committee helped Germany put on a great tournament, but also reminded everyone that his is one of the sharpest minds in soccer. He correctly criticized the refs for issuing too many cards, leading his incompetent boss (see below) to change FIFA's orders to clamp down on rough play. He also had the guts to say that the games at this tournament hadn't been all that impressive, with too few goals and too much tentative, defensive play. And Beckenbauer would know - he attended all of them.

Loser: Blatter

He had the right idea in trying to make the games more offensive and entertaining by telling the refs to issue more yellow cards, but then the minute one of the refs (Ivanov) took it too far (issuing 16 cards in the Holland-Portugal game), he caved. From that point on, the refereeing improved dramatically; plus, Marcelo Balboa shut up about the refs for more than 10 seconds. Hopefully FIFA would realize that maybe a week before their showcase tournament isn't the best time to tell refs to start doing things differently than they've done it for the previous four years. Just an idea.

Winner: Argentina

They went down swinging (literally) to ze Germans in the quarters, but they were one of the most enjoyable teams to watch this month. All of their fans were nervous about whether or not they'd even make it out of the Group of Death and avoid another disaster like the one four years ago, a tension that only increased when their coach left veterans like Javier Zanetti & Walter Samuel off the squad; but the team went out and beat a tough Ivory Coast team before putting on the show of the tourney against the hapless Serbs, running out 6-0 winners and scoring the goal of the tourney, a 24-pass exhibition culminated by Cambiasso's powerful drive off of Crespo's back-heel. Stunning. And then, Maxi Rodriguez ripped in another glorious goal to give the Albiceleste the win over Mexico. Even when they lost, they won - any impartial observer would have to be impressed that Argentina outplayed Germany in front of 65,000 rabid Deutschlanders in Berlin. And their passion, as many of their players left the pitch in tears, was indicative of just what a wonderful tourney the World Cup is. One negative: they need to work on their fisticuffs - Maxi looked like a drunk sorority girl shot out of a cannon throwing bitch-slap-esque haymakers against ze Germans. No es bueno.

Loser: Brazil

Everyone thought they'd be winners. As they say in Portuguese, "no". They left Germany looking like a team full of individualistic prima-donnas, not only not playing their patented "jogo bonito" but not even showing as much fighting spirit as a team of kids playing in gym class. Roberto Carlos summed it up by standing still as a statue while Thierry Henry smashed in the winning goal, either not having a clue what to do or not having the requisite determination to do it. When your team plays its best footie in a Nike commercial, well, that's not a good sign. Ronaldinho might be able to juggle forever or pass the ball all over the locker room, but he sure didn't show up in Germany.

Winner: Big Phil Scolari

If you've got one person to coach your country in a World Cup, can there be any doubt that this is the guy? Maybe you could make a case for Guus Hiddink, which reminds me - how much does he regret signing on to become Russia's coach after the World Cup? After what he did with Australia, the guy would have to be first-choice for who-knows-how-many countries, but instead he's stuck in Moscow coaching the likes of, er, Alexei Smertin? Let's go ahead & set the over-under on "Bottles of Vodka Consumed by Hiddink in the Next Month" at 290, okay?

Loser: Sir Alex Ferguson

His star striker stomps on an opponent's cojones and becomes the national villain. His other star striker has a terrible tournament, gets called out by his national team coach, and then benched, reducing his transfer fee by millions. Another striker manages to pick up an automatic-suspension yellow card, ruling him out of the World Cup final. His star winger has a fantastic tournament, but says he wants to go play in Spain - oh, and he's public enemy number one in all of England. And rumors are flying that the World Cup-winning coach of Italy will be taking over as coach of ManU in the near future. Yep, I'd say it was a good month for ManUtd and dear ole Sir Alex.

Winner: UEFA

Europe had four teams make the semifinals. If my math is correct, that's a lot of teams.

Loser: CONCACAF

Three of their teams lost in the first round. Mexico lost in the second round. The US lost to Ghana, Trinidad and Tobago lost to Paraguay, Costa Rica lost to Poland, and Mexico drew with Angola. Yikes.

Winner: Defenders

There were a veritable plethora of big-name attackers that came to Germany ready to strut their stuff, only to be completely stifled by no-name defenders. Defensive mids were the story of the tournament: Frings, Ze Roberto, Mascherano, Alonso, Vieira, Makelele, Gattuso, and Maniche were all excellent. And the centerbacks, like Cannavaro, Terry, Thuram, Gallas, Ayala, Puyol, and Lucio, put on one exhibition after another. Heck, most people outside of his own family hadn't even heard of Fabio Grosso and he had a better World Cup than anyone. No wonder there were so many boring, low-scoring games in the knock-out round.

Loser: Attackers

Where do I start? Ronaldinho, Adriano, Van Nistelrooy, Raul, Messi, Rooney, Pauleta, Trezeguet, Saha, Inzaghi, Gilardino, Drogba, Totti, Ibrahimovic....need I continue? The list of strikers who had a month to forget goes on & on. On the plus side, they all earn more money combined than the GNP of a quarter of the countries in the world.

Winner: Univision

Their ratings must be off the charts after a month when every American with even rudimentary Spanish had to switch over and watch the games on that channel because...

Loser: Anyone not able to watch Univision

I don't know who decided to make Dave O'Brien and Marcelo Balboa the number one commentary team, but I'd like to play darts on his face. What's wrong with Tommy Smyth? The guy has the enthusiasm of Dick Vitale but acutally has a brain to go with it, plus a wicked strong accent. Or Rob Stone, who actually knows the sport of soccer and commentates on it regularly? If it's at all possible for four people to ruin the World Cup for an entire country, then Dave O'Brien, Marcelo Balboa, Markus Merk and Landon Donovan took their best shot at it.

Winner: adidas

Even though all of their uniforms for the Cup basically sucked (save Argentina's), they had two teams make the semis, their "+10" campaign was excellent, and people even stopped bitching about the Teamgeist ball after a while. Somewhere on a dirt pitch in Latin America, Jose is smiling.

Loser: Nike

Their uniforms might be much better than their archrivals (Holland, US, Portugal, Mexico...), but none of their teams made the final, they had to put the brakes on their Brazil ad campaign after the team imploded in the quarters (and start showing commercials with of a basketball-playing rapist juggling with Ronaldinho), and the Cup was held in the home nation of adidas. Word has it that the suits over at Nike are currently plotting ways to arrange Oregon 2022. In the meantime, Nike might even be falling behind another World Cup winner, Puma, who outfitted champions Italy and a slew of other national teams.

Winner: Spain

Like Argentina, Spain played some wonderful soccer before bowing out too soon, per usual. So what's new? Well, for the first time in a long time, la Seleccion managed to acheive what every team in the Cup hopes to do: unite their country behind them, inspire people with their style of play, and bring joy to an entire nation. Spain didn't win this Cup, but - at the risk of sounding like a 2nd-grade gym teacher, they didn't lose, either. Spain is a fragmented nation, one desperately trying to unite its various regions, that historically falls short at big tournaments because the player's regional biases tend to get the better of them (Real Madrid players not getting along with Barcelona's, etc). In Germany, Spain's players locked arms and belted out the national anthem, played an attacking, possession-based style of soccer, and dazzled the worldwide audience with their array of young talent and offensive artistry. 32 teams played in Germany. 31 lost. But some of those 31, like Spain, were victorious in ways that can't be measured by wins and losses.

Loser: England

England advanced just as far as Spain. So why are they losers, you ask? Because England, as opposed to Germany and Portugal, did less with more. No more than two other nations in the world have more talent at their disposal than England, but the Three Lions never looked impressive. Not even once. They disappointed in the group phase, against Ecuador, and against Portugal. The talent didn't gel, the coach couldn't even the manage the egos on an under-10 team, and their young stud left Germany in shame. Even in defeat, Spain won. Even in victory, England lost.

Winner: Cristiano Ronaldo

He dives. He always holds the ball too long & doesn't score nearly enough. He's got hair straight out of an '80's glam-rock band. He always looks like he's about to start bawling. So why is he here? Because he's one of the most exciting players in the world to watch. Other than Zidane and Ronaldinho, who's got better ball-skills than Ronaldo? Exactly. Now if he can only learn to actually put in the back of the net...

Loser: Rooney

You stomp on someone's nuts & you're going down. Loser. Loo-hoo-ser.

Winner: Soccer fans

World Soccer Blogger has burst into your life like a gorgeous lover in a desperate moment of need. Don't deny it - you know you love it.

Loser: Me (insert joke here)

World Cup withdrawal is a bitch. I can't stop twitching, these cold sweats won't stop, I just puked in a trashcan, and I keep having flashbacks of Maxi's goal against Mexico. While I check myself into a soccer-rehab facility, World Soccer Blogger will be taking a few days off to recharge the old battery, but we'll be back with all the info on the European transfer market, a preview of the domestic leagues of England, Italy, and Spain, another comprehensive Uni Watch article, and all the low-down during the upcoming season. It should be a dandy - well, provided we don't have to watch guys get their nuts crushed while Dave O'Brien does commentary...