Memo to FIFA:

Henry pretends the Unfrozen Caveman from Spain hit him in the face. Yellow card for the Caveman, free kick & goal & victory for France.


The World Cup is FIFA's crown jewel, its pride & joy, its once-every-four-years tournament to showcase its product to a worldwide audience. As such, it needs to be perfect. This year's tournament has been a huge success - Germany has been a fantastic host, literally all the big nations (sorry, Uruguay) were there, all the big stars have been healthy and on display (okay, Ronaldo wasn't healthy and that couldn't have actually been Ronaldinho), and we've been treated to a tournament full of Cinderella stories (Ghana, Australia, Ukraine), compelling storylines (Zidane, Klinsmann, Italy), and amazing games (Germany vs Italy, Brazil vs France, Australia vs Croatia). All in all, it's been an amazing month; but still, FIFA has to make some changes because this tournament, like previous ones, has been marred by some bad rules, poor refereeing, and outdated policies. So here is a memo for Mr. Blatter, a regular reader of this blog, so he has a nice little to-do list before South Africa 2010:

1. No more penalty kick shootouts

They have to go. Yeah, they might be dramatic and nervewracking and integral parts of soccer history (see Baggio, Roberto), but they're just not fair. Having the best players in the world shoot the ball from 12 yards out is no way to decide who gets to go on to the semis of the World Cup. So what's the solution? It's simple: re-instate the golden goal rule and simply play extra time until a team scores. Because the game could go on for some time, give each team one more sub. Players won't be as tired with the extra sub, both teams will have to play for the win and not just sit back and wait for penalties, the tension will be immense, and it will give the better team more of a chance to advance. Plus, maybe England might actually make it to the final. The only argument against this is that some games might go on for a long time if neither team scores, but that seems unlikely because both teams will have to play for the win rather than defend. In fact, you could even give each team an additional (5th) sub if the first 45 minute overtime goes by with no goals scored. Whatever happens, penalty kicks are no way to settle a game. Rather than rewarding the team that keeps its nerve from the spot (ie. Germany), reward the team that plays better, tries to attack more, and scores a goal. Crazy, ain't it?

2. Suspensions for diving, yellow cards for card-waving, & 3 minute sideline stay for injured players

It's an embarassment, plain & simple. Players take dives, ask the ref to give cards to the opposing team, fake injury, and get away with it. And it isn't just Portugal - there is no team in the world that can claim to be innocent. One week Thierry Henry is saying what a disgrace it is to the game that all these players are diving, but the next thing you know Henry is collapsing to the ground holding his face after an innocuous bump from Carles Puyol; yellow card for Puyol, free kick for France, goal for France, win for France. What a disgrace!?! Exactly. And it has a trickle-down effect: this year, I kid you not, one of the best players on a high-school team that I coached broke his collarbone while taking a dive! Now I realize that it's hard to ask refs to spot a dive in live action, so let FIFA's disciplinary committee do what it does with other game incidents (like the Torsten Frings punch): they review the games and if a player is spotted diving then he is suspended for one game. Now obviously a player will have to have taken a clear dive, but not only will this approach punish the player, but it will also discourage them from diving in the first place. And hey, the refs are crappy enough as it is - they have enough trouble spotting a clear, legitimate foul, much less having to factor in the possibility that the player is just diving. Also, players must be punished for asking the ref to book another player - it should be an automatic yellow card. Done and done. And finally, players have to stop rolling around on the ground for 30 seconds before limping off the field and then miraculously recovering and returning to play just seconds later. If a player is down on the field and play has to be stopped (by the ref or by a team kicking the ball out of play) then that player should have to stay off the pitch for three minutes before re-entering the game. Hopefully then players will be far more hesitant to fake injury, but also it will discourage time-wasting tactics. For example, if an Argentinian is laying on the ground and appearing to be seriously hurt, then the Germans have to kick the ball out of play, even though they might be one goal down with 15 minutes left in a Cup quarterfinal; the ref comes over, the Argentinian complains, and then magically he recovers and, having already wasted a full minute at least, he is back in the game. Instead, he should have to leave the field and remain off for three minutes, which would put his team at a clear disadvantage, especially in crucial situations. Instead of helping the cheating, time-wasting team, it will instead reward their opponents by letting them play with an extra man for three minutes. Harsh? Yes. But necessary? In one man's opinion, absolutely.

3. Goalmouth cameras for instant replay to see if the ball crossed the line or not

Now this is pretty simple. In soccer, goals are at a premium - in most cases, one goal will decide the game. In World Cups, which come around once every four years, the importance of goals is multiplied a hundred-fold. So I would say that it'd be a good idea to make use of the available techonology to make sure that the ball has or has not crossed the line. To expect a linesman standing at least 30-40 yards away from the goal, looking through a sea of moving players, to be able to determine if the ball crossed the line is an impossible task; and obviously, the head referee cannot be expected to make the call since he is on the field of play and would have no vantage point from which to make the call. So stop the game, go upstairs to a replay booth, and let them look at the play for 1-2 minutes, which is no longer than the game is stopped when a player is injured or there is a free kick outside the box. If it means getting a crucial call right, then it's worth it. Fortunately, there haven't been many incidents involving this problem during the past few weeks, but Argentina and France have both been involved in first-round games where replay could have - and should have - been used to determine if they had scored a goal or not.

4. No automatic suspensions after two yellow cards

Now this is a suggestion that Blatter appears to agree with. It's just absurd, especially when refs are dishing out cards like they're hotcakes at a diner, for players to miss crucial games after only two yellows. Not only that, but players are forced to play cautiously for fear of earning a yellow an then the ensuing suspension. And to begin with, it's not as if getting a yellow card in two consecutive games is indicative of dirty play - for comparison's sake, in European leagues, it takes five yellow cards before a player is suspended. So why, then, should it be only two for the World Cup, when the games are far more important? Huh? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Oh, there's no good reason. But at least Blatter seems to agree with this, since he has raised the idea of changing it to three yellows.

See, I told you that he reads this column. That Sepp, he's a smart little devil. World Soccer Blogger - FIFA's little-known but highly-respected source of soccer knowledge.