All-Crap World Cup Team

We knew they'd be partying in Rio in July, we just didn't know why - Brazil fans celebrate 4 of their countrymen getting selected to WSB's All-Crap World Cup team.




We've already done a "Best Of" team for this World Cup, but what fun was that? Actually, don't answer that. We already knew those guys were good anyway. But what about the players that we thought were good but looked like crap in Germany? Now that's always worth a shot...

Goalie: Zeljko Kalac, Australia

He made a genius coach look like an idiot. He played one game and almost single-handedly cost his team a trip to the 2nd round. He has a name that makes you question if he should actually be playing for the opponent's team instead. Yep, I'd say we've found our starting goalie. When Guus Hiddink inexplicably decided to start him in place of Mark Schwarzer against Croatia, Kalac repaid the man by letting a weak shot bobble right past him to give the Croats the lead; had Harry Kewell not saved his blushes by scoring a late equalizer and Graham Poll not stolen the show by issuing three yellow cards to the same player, Kalac's story would have been one of the most amazing ones of the whole Cup.

Defender: Cafu, Brazil

The first of many Brazilians, partly because they were crap but mainly because so much was expected of them. Cafu is 36 and he looked 50, while Zidane is 34 and looked 20. It's time for the great right-back to hang 'em up now, especially after a Cup where he wore the captain's armband and not much else. On the plus side, he made it vividly clear for the next Brazil coach that the starting right-back has to be Cicinho. Heck, Sevilla's Daniel Alves didn't even make the team and he'd have been a better option.

Defender: Tomas Ujfalusi, Czech Republic

Someone deserves some blame for the Czechs' early exit from Germany. Ufjalusi is a hard, uncompromising defender, but it he was too much of one against Ghana, getting sent off, forcing his team to come from behind while playing a man down, and missing the decisive match against Italy. Playing as the anchor of an already suspect Czech defense, the hard man had to pick up his play, not a red card that would kill his team's chances.

Defender: Roberto Carlos, Brazil

The mirror image of Cafu: an aging wingback who used to be great, but now spends most of his time failing to get forward down the wing and being a defensive liability. So why does he play? Well, it's the name on the back. Even from free kicks, usually one of Roberto's specialties, he was disappointing. Juninho Pernambucano and Ronaldinho hogged all of them, making Roberto Carlos a mere spectator. He retired from international football after the tournament, but it should have happened before.

Midfielder: Frank Lampard, England

Just think, Jose Mourinho is trying to get Roberto Carlos to come to Chelsea next year, where he would partner with Lampard. Of course, when you also have Terry, Gallas, Carvalho, Ballack, Robben, Essien, Makelele, Crespo, Drogba and Shevchenko, I guess you can afford to take a gamble. Lampard is such an impressive attacking mid for the Blues, always surging forward and grabbing goals, but in an England shirt he was a shadow of his usual self. A stronger manager would not have made the mistake of putting him in the same midfield with a very similar player, Steven Gerrard, and that curtailed Lampard's effectiveness (one wonders what will happen when he shares the Stamford bridge midfield with Ballack this year). It is doubtful that he'll be given another chance to partner Gerrard, which could mean a trip to the bench for Lampard.

Midfielder: Daniele De Rossi, Italy

Now this is a tough one. I guess if you try to knock a guy's nose into his skull, you could be called a dirty player. And if it gets you red-carded and then banned for four games, I guess you could be a candidate for a spot on this team. It was the dirtiest play in what has been a very clean, fair tournament (aside from Rooney, Frings, and Cufre). On the plus side, it gave the US a chance to tie Italy and then spend the rest of the tourney claiming that they were the only team that managed to get a result against the Azzurri.

Midfielder: Landon Donovan, USA

Speaking of the Americans, Donovan was meant to be their playmaker, team leader, and great hope for the future. Turns out he's none of the above. Donovan put in three anonymous performances in Germany, symbolized by a dreadful free kick with just 10 minutes left against Ghana - most of his teammates, waiting to make a play in the box, were left stunned by Donovan's miscue. Then again, so was everyone back in the States. On the plus side for the rest of the world, Donovan is happy playing in MLS, which means he won't be joining a European club and will still be crap come 2010.

Midfielder: Lionel Messi, Argentina

A little harsh on the youngster, maybe, but he came into the tournament with such fanfare and left having not even gotten onto the pitch against Germany. Now maybe this is Pekerman's fault or maybe it's just because Argentina had to make some forced substitutions, but Messi did himself no favors by alienating Pekerman with his complaints about playing time. Messi looked good against Serbia in Argentina's 6-0 romp, but hell, Evita could have scored in that game. Against Holland, Messi failed to impress and, for the most part, he didn't change the flow of the games as much as his teammate and fellow young gun, Carlos Tevez. And with Maxi Rodriguez playing so well for the Albiceleste, Messi was left riding the pine. Still, here's one bet that Messi will be one of the best in the world four years from now.

Midfielder/Forward: Ronaldinho, Brazil

He came to Germany fresh off winning the Champions League and Primera Liga with Barcelona, as well as the World Player of the Year Award. This was supposed to be his tournament, his showcase World Cup. A month later, he left for Brazil with zero winner's medals, zero highlight-reel plays, and zero good games. Hard to believe, but true. Today, Ronaldinho is still suffering the consequences of this: statues of him in his homeland have been torn down and an article published in Brazil has detailed a party that he hosted at his Barcelona home the night after the loss to France, where 'Dinho partied until dawn. We all thought that the buck-toothed boy magician would be partying in July, but not after a quarterfinal collapse. And in soccer-mad Brazil, that's not going to sit well at all.

Forward: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Sweden

He looks like he should be a terror to opposing defenses, but somehow fails to deliver. He had to fight through some injuries, but even when he was healthy, Ibra never impressed in Germany. In fact, Sweden looked dramatically better with Marcus Allback up front. The Swedes, who scored loads of goals in qualifying, were never able to duplicate that form last month and much of the blame has to lie with the big striker. He was one of many forwards that endured a month to forget, among them Raul, Rooney, Trezeguet, Borgetti, Baros, and Adriano, who incidentally was also spotted at 'Dinho's Barcelona fiesta. Scandalous, I tell ya.

Forward: Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Holland/The Netherlands/The Low Countries

Wherever he's from, Van the Man has seen his career evaporate right before his eyes in recent months. First, after he came to blows with teammate Cristiano Ronaldo during training, ManU's Sir Alex Ferguson left him on the bench for much of the last few months of the Premiership season; then, after Marco Van Basten entrusted him with a starting spot in the first two games of the Cup, even he benched Van Nistelrooy for the game against Portugal. To make matters worse for poor Ruud, Van Basten never even put him in for a minute despite the Dutch desperately needing a goal to tie the game. Today, Van Nistelrooy, one of the world's deadliest strikers and best goal-poachers, is a man with an uncertain future at his club and country.

Coach: Carlos Alberto Parreira, Brazil

This honor seemed destined to go to Sven Goran Eriksson, but the Swede can't be blamed too much for England's failures - he made the right call in taking a risk on Rooney, he saw the need for a defensive mid and was right to have faith in the excellent Owen Hargreaves, and he gave Aaron Lennon the playing time that he deserved. On the other hand, Parreira did nothing right - first, he insisted on playing two similar playmakers, Kaka and Ronaldinho, together and then compounded that by playing two similar strikers, Adriano and Ronaldo, together. He never gave Robinho as much time as he deserved or had the guts to bench some of his big stars (Cafu and Roberto Carlos especially) when their substitutes played so much better in their 4-1 win over Japan. To make matters worse, Parreira then switched his lineup and formation for the pivotal game against France, benching Emerson and Adriano in favor of Gilberto Silva and Juninho - so, rather than at least sticking with the system that had gotten them to the quarters, Parreira changed it all when it mattered most. The results? Disastrous, aside from earning him this prize. But in the eyes of most Brazilians, Parreira's worst offense was not playing beautiful soccer. After all the "jogo bonito" talk, Parreira opted for the opposite. The coach who came to the World Cup with more talent at his disposal than any team in the world left to a stream of criticism and anger, the result of la Canarinha's "jogo feyo". It says it all that, rather than returning to a parade in Sao Paolo, Parreira was forced to duck out a back door in the airport rather than face the public. Eric Wynalda voted for Bruce Arena to win this award, but Parreira wins out. No word on Marcelo Balboa's opinion.

Substitutes:

It says a lot about this Cup that it has been so hard to pick the defenders and defensive midfielders for the All-World Cup Team, but unfortunately it's been pretty easy to pick all the attackers for the All-Crap World Cup Team. Maybe that's why there have been so many defensive struggles in the knock-out phase. For subs on this team, we'll go with three more attackers. After the whole country had placed all of their hopes on him, Wayne Rooney repaid them by breaking Man Law numero uno and ruining Ricardo Carvalho's chances of having kids. Mateja Kezman also received a red card for a dirty tackle, so he earns a spot here, but at least Kezman had a 6-0 drubbing to use as justification for his actions. And finally, Roque Santa Cruz was meant to be Paraguay's savior at this Cup, but he was completely ineffective in all of their games and consistently overshadowed by his forward partner, Nelson Valdez. And if this atrocious team ever played a game, then surely it would have to be refereed by Markus Merk, one of the worst of a bad crop of referees at this Cup. And maybe Dave O'Brien and Marcelo Balboa could even do some bad commentary on it, too.