A Draft Recap (or "Pithy Comments About Athletes with Upside")

Yeah, he cried like a baby. But is he athletic?

As always, the Draft delivered. A night stock full of head-spinning trades, head-scratching picks, and head-bangers who cry. There's no need to go into who came out the big winners or losers or what grades each team should get - everyone gave Toronto an F for taking Charlie Villanueva last year and look how that turned out. Still, such remarkable self-restraint doesn't mean we can't discuss the night's highlights - so here they are, from start to finish (well, to the end of the 1st round - Stephen A screaming his lungs out about some hapless Belarussian makes Bill O'Reilly sound educated):

The first remotely-surprising move came when the real MJ proves he knows infinitely more than his old nemesis Isiah and takes Adam Morrison at #3. Morrison is then subjected to more questions about his tearful exit from the Tourney this year. Am I missing something here? Why is this such a big deal? Hell, there's even a video game commercial with Morrison talking about his crying: "Yeah, I cried. Big deal. And I'm going to cry again. And in the NBA, I'm going to make people cry". First of all, that's going to send all of the kids out there rushing to the store to pick up that video game; I can see it now: "Yo, the dude cries. That's bad ass". Second, who cares? Why is it so newsworthy that Morrison shed some tears after (well okay, during...) one of the most crushing Tourney choke-jobs in recent years. That UCLA team came back from double-digits down to end Morrison's college career. And it's a big deal that he cries? Players on other teams cry all the time. Players in other sports cry all the time. Heck, one of the enduring images from Japan/Korea '02 was the sight of Argentina's players bawling as they left the field after being eliminated by Sweden - nothing could ever explain the passion, the importance, and the beauty of soccer better than those images: a team of superstars reduced to floods of tears because they knew, as only some athletes do, just how important their success was to their fans, just how much the World Cup meant to their countrymen. That passion is one of the best things in sports. Then again, now it's also part of a video ad campaign.

Yesterday I predicted big nights from the Bulls and Rockets. Right on the former, dead wrong on the latter. Houston got robbed blind by Memphis, even though I'm not a fan of Rudy Gay at all - still, at #8, the risk might be worth it, even though the Grizzlies' next pick, Nova's Kyle Lowry, will be a better pro. As for da Bulls, they used deals with Portland and Philadelphia to grab Tyrus Thomas at #4, an excellent pick, and then Thabo Sefolosha at #13. As a Philly native, I pay close attention to the Sixers and it's always fun to watch Billy King drive that franchise into the ground. (Hey Pat Croce, the door is always open...) The Sixers picked Sefolosha and, before the trade was announced, I could be seen spewing expletives at the TV. But then, as the commentators started raving about Sefolosha and ESPN showed highlights of this 6'7" stud lighting it up in Europe, I started to come around, only for King to deal the kid to Chicago. The Sixers then picked Rodney Carney at #16, who was described as "athletic"; in fact, when asked what he would bring to the Sixers, Carney even said "athleticism". Well, then I love the pick - any time you can get an athlete in the first round of the NBA Draft, you can't pass that up. Admittedly, I was hoping for a jock, but I'll take an athlete. And apparently the Sixers' 2nd round pick likes sports.

In the midst of all this athleticism, David Stern and Dan Patrick had an alternately hilarious and uncomfortable exchange. After the Commish, half-joking, criticized Patrick for his "pithy comments" and negative remarks about all of the draft picks, Patrick fired back that he always liked the NFL's Paul Tagliabue better. Patrick then realized that the next negative comment would result in him taking a cianide-laced dart in the neck, so after he started to criticize the next pick's shooting form, he quickly switched to some absurd, trying-to-be-positive comments about how Ronnie Brewer had really improved his free-throw shooting. Smart move, Danny Boy. If only the ESPN crew had shown the same restraint when ripping the Blazers' fantastic draft, which netted them LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon R-O-Y, and Sergio Rodriguez (a heck of a player from Spain), a draft haul unmatched by any other team.

And then, just when you thought that the tension couldn't get any thicker, it was the Knicks pick. Remind me to never praise Isiah on anything, ever, under any circumstances. My compliments on his draft resume will be the last positive comments I ever make regarding He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Renaldo Balkman? Described, by Isiah himself, as a cross between Dennis Rodman and Ron Artest! So, on the plus side, the Knicks fans can now look forward to arrests, drug use, rap records, arena riots, on-court brawls and a certifiably-insane under-sized power forward. Even the clan of Eminem wanna-bes (combined brain-cells: 13) who assaulted ESPN's Mark Jones during a pre-pick interview knew that the Knicks had to take UConn's Marcus Williams. And that's what would have happened, had the Anti-Midas not been making the pick.

So the Knicks screwed up, some athletes got drafted, a guy named "Gay" was drafted lower than expected, Jerry West made a great deal, and ESPN's commentators sounded like a bunch of idiots. I guess the draft really wasn't so full of surprises after all...