Uni Watch

The Dutch national team models their award-winning uniforms. But Mark van Bommel still looks like crap.




No, unfortunately this is not ESPN Page 2's Paul Lukas and it will pale in comparison to his thorough reports on everything you ever wanted to know - and really, a lot of things you never wanted to know - about uniforms. However, this will of course be the definitive breakdown of the best and worst unis on display in Deutschland this summer. Unfortunately, the World Cup is never the uniform showcase it could be, simply because the main outfitters - Nike, adidas, and Puma - normally come up with a basic, standard design that they then change slightly, if at all, to cater to the different teams' colors, traditions, and fan bases. For example, this year adidas has come up with a design that is shared by Spain, France, Germany, Argentina, Japan and Trinidad & Tobago (or Trinidad & Tobagan, according to the esteemed analyst Woody Paige). Each of the five teams' jerseys has its own unique twist, T&T's being the biggest departure from the other five. Puma takes the same approach, as does Nike, except fortunately the latter makes the biggest changes from one jersey to another, such as in the cases of the US and Mexico. It's no coincidence that both those teams have the some of the best uniforms in the tournament. But who wants analysis when you can get lists & rankings & clearly numbered distinctions separating the good from the bad from the ugly? Not me...

Lo Bueno:

1. Holland (home) - Orange. As in oranje. Neon oranje. Clockwork oranje. Crossing-guard oranje. And gorgeous. Their crest is fantastic, second only to the Czechs' masterpiece. And when they wear this jersey with the white shorts and blue socks, ooohh, it's quite a sight.
2. US (road) - The home design with the red & blue stripes is classic, but the road jersey represents a return to one of the great US jerseys of the 90's, second only to that glorious denim-with-stars outfit from the '94 cup. Ahh, the good ole days.
3. Croatia (home) - Red & white checkers. Say no more. And yes, I am the proud owner of a Croatia jersey. And no, I have never worn it out in public.
4. Argentina (road) - It's awfully hard to screw up an Argentina jersey, what with the best color combination of any team in the Cup - sky blue, white, navy blue, and black. This road jersey is amazing. And they wore it when they thrashed the Serbs 6-0 the other day. Coincidence? I think not.
5. Czech Republic (home & away) - The Germans and the Portuguese both have classic jerseys, but the Czechs have the best team crest. Admittedly, it'd be better if the crests were as prominent as they are on the hockey jerseys. Don't you think it'd be great if Nedved & Rosicky had eight-inch crests on the front of their jerseys a la Hasek & Jagr? Actually, don't answer that.
Lo Malo

1. Italy (home) - This pains me. The Italians are one of those teams like the Dutch that wears a color not found in their flag. And they've got a great team crest, or at least they did before they changed it this past year. They were the country that broke out the spectacular cyclist-style spandex jerseys from Kappa. And yes, I own one. And no, I have never worn it out in public - people would literally choke to death on their own vomit if I did. But now, they've gone all metro on us & gotten Versace or Armani or Dolce or Gabbana or some hotshot Milan designer to make this year's unis. And guess what? It's crap. To make matters worse, the navy blue armpits make everyone look like they forgot to put on deodorant. Cosa fa, Puma, cosa fa? (Making praying hand-gesture)
2. Costa Rica (home) - First team to lose in this year's Cup. And that wasn't to Germany. That was when Joma decided to go with the '80's spray-paint look. To quote the quotacious Sir Charles Barkley when he was asked to comment on the Sixers' uniforms of the mid-90's, "it looks like my daughter got loose with a box of crayons".
3. Ghana (home) - Look at their flag. Then look at their boring white & black unis. 'Nuff said.
4. Angola (home) - Very colorful. Also almost blinding & hard to look at for an hour and a half. Enjoyed the effort against Mexico, but had to wear sunglasses.
5. Poland (home) - Just don't like Poland. Don't like how they play. Don't like that I watched two of their games. Don't like that I actually rooted for them against Germany for some unknown reason. In fact, I don't even like that I'm currently writing about Poland. Ugh.

Lo Feo (I've almost run out of unis - there are only 32 teams in this thing, so it's on to other matters of aesthetic importance)

1. Manuel Loco, Angola - I can't say anything that hasn't been said before (Rob Stone of ESPN said it best when he called it a "reverse mullet"), but this hairdo warrants mentioning.
2. Roberto Palacios, Argentina - I keep picturing him walking into a salon in Munich and the stylist calmly snipping off that nasty ducktail & saying "That'll be 10 euros".
3. Esteban Cambiasso, Argentina - I hate jumping on one of the most likable teams of the Cup like this, but come on, Stevie, let it go already. You might not even be 30, but you know it's time. Give Andre Agassi a call - he went down this road years ago. He'll walk you through it.
4. Freddie Ljungberg, Sweden - He might be a Calvin Klein model, but that won't spare him the wrath of this column. Once you've gone out and gotten a mohawk & died it your team's colors (Arsenal's maroon was a classy look), you owe it to all of us to come up big at the World Cup. I'm expecting a neon-yellow hi-liter style mohawk and all I get is a lousy shaved head?
5. Djibril Cisse, France - In tribute to the unlucky striker for Les Bleus, who warrants a spot in this category simply on the basis of what could have been. At Liverpool, he regularly sports hairstyles that defy logic, explanation, and any sense of style whatsoever. And how do you think poor Jose from adidas feels? You're his first pick of anyone in the world of all time (Ahead of Platini! And Der Kaiser!) and you go and break your leg! Au revoir, Djibril, and merci for nothing.